GENEVA, SWITZERLAND – In an event that has left the medical community stunned, John Calvin the Reformer (click here to read about a different John Calvin) was resurrected from the dead about three weeks ago. This has been kept silent until today for two reasons. First, because it would cause a media frenzy, Calvin’s doctors did not want to immediately release the news to the press. Second, Calvin needed to be brought up to speed on things that have occurred since his death (such as the Puritan movement in England, the Enlightenment, the Industrial revolution, controlled electricity, manned-flight, the wars of the 20th Century, and the iPhone).

Calvin was gracious enough to sit down with TBNN for his initial interview with any media outlet (being Reformed does have some advantages after all). Although his first language is still French, he was kind enough to speak to us using the biblical language, 1611 KJV English (click here). We at TBNN have since translated what he said into modern English so all our readers can understand.

TBNN: Thank you so much for granting us this interview. We are deeply honored. How did this all happen?

Calvin: I have no idea. I just woke up in bed one morning in a hospital in Geneva.

TBNN: Let’s jump right into things. Some Protestants today refer to themselves as “Calvinists.” What do you think of this?

Calvin: It is actually kind of embarrassing and flattering. Some have said that I was an Augustinian, but I actually just thought of myself as being biblical.

TBNN: Calvinists have taken your teachings and distilled them into an easy to remember acrostic – TULIP. Have you heard of this, and could we ask you what you think of it?

Calvin: I never could fully trust that Theodore Beza. He was such a zealot, always showing up at my door at all times of the day and night. I think he came up with TULIP. Anyway, go ahead and ask me about it.

TBNN: We at TBNN consider ourselves to be Calvinistic. In other words, we hold to the five points of Calvinism. Where do you stand on this issue?

Calvin: This whole thing kind of bugs me. If you read my writings, you know that I wrote about a lot more than just five theological points. Unfortunately, many folks today who refer to themselves as Calvinists actually haven’t read what I wrote. For that matter, most of my critics also haven’t read my writings. Let’s take TULIP point-by-point:

T – I’m torn over this one. I never really did completely figure out the book of Romans. Sorry, for those of you who bought my commentary set. On the one hand, Romans 3:10-11 tells us that no one is righteous or seeks God. On the other hand, Romans 10:9 seems to suggest otherwise. After over 400 years, I’m still unsure. Let’s give it half a point.

U – Yes, I agree with this. No one would repent of his own free will. The world’s pleasures are too enticing for that to happen. So God decided to choose some to be saved. Ephesians 1:3-5 makes this pretty clear. By the way, to “choose” means to “choose,” not to look into the future.

L – No, I don’t think there was any limit on the extent of Christ’s payment. When Jesus died it was for all people. Look at I John 2:2 and 4:14.

I – A lot of people don’t like this doctrine, but I do believe it is true. When an elect person is saved, he is able to see God for how wonderful he is. He would never resist this gift. The reprobate is never convicted of his sin, so his rejection of God is not a rejection of God’s grace because it is never offered to him.

P -Yes, “Once saved, always saved” I always say. I think Paul addressed that in Ephesians 1:13-14. The key to remember is that it is God who preserves the elect; they do not do it for themselves.

So I guess you could call me a 3 and 1/2 point Calvinist.

TBNN: Well, we are certainly surprised to hear some of your conclusions. You’ve given us something to ponder. Now that you are alive, what do you plan to do with your time?

Calvin: I would like to do a lot of reading, and later some writing. I think I’ll start with these youngsters John Owen and Jonathan Edwards. I’ve heard good things about them. Their writings don’t look too complicated to me. After I finish with them, I want to move on to a newcomer named John Piper. Most folks seem to either really like him or, well, the opposite.

And by the way, you should be using my Institutes to teach your children’s Sunday School classes.

Technorati Tags: Calvin, satire

“Yes, Sy: Saul was a bad king. A very jealous man.”

“But at least, in the end he turned good and started telling everybody about Jesus.”

“What? No, Saul never did that, Sy.”

“But, Don’t you remember? Saul–he became Paul! And he preached about God.”

Technorati Tags: kids, paul, saul

God is high and above all things. He is the God of a thousand hills and over all His creation. How do we react to that fact?

The Scriptures explicitly teach that we are to worship on a mountain. The current state of the Church just shows how bad we have strayed from the clearly taught Biblical doctrine. How can we forget that the greatest event in history occurred on a small mount outside of Jerusalem—where Christ was crucified? God, who is over all, was satisfied with what happened on that hill…how do we respond?

The life of Christ is highlighted with mountain top experiences. He was often seen going to pray at the Mount of Olives (Luke 22:39; John 8:1). He was praised by the multitudes when He came down from the Mount of Olives (Luke 19:37). The time of His greatest anguish, and greatest representation of having His swallowed up in the Father occurred on a mount (Matt 26:30; Mark 14:26). We can even stand in awe, seeing Christ transfigured, His glory revealed on a mountain (Matt 17:1). I don’t think I should even have to mention the greatest sermon ever, spoken on a mount (Matt 5:12).

Oh Christians of Christ’s Church, why have we left the mountains? Why have we strayed so far from Scripture? The [insert historical group] clearly taught this Scriptural doctrine and all these false denominations out here have left us in a desert plain! Why have we forgotten that the Great Commission was “Great” because it was done on a mountain (Matt 28:16)! When Christ was taken up into the clouds with His disciples gathered around Him it was on a mountain (Acts 1:10-12). The very vision of the New Jerusalem in Revelations 21:10 is of that holy city resting on a high mountain!

Learn the lesson of history, people! The Israelites were at their worse when they ignored God and didn’t worship on this mountain or that, but worshipped idols on their high places. This is horrendous because, God is the God of a thousand mountains (Ps 50:10) not these false idols. They had forgotten their calling that God had revealed Himself and had given His Law on Mount Sinai (Exodus 19). Thank God for Elijah who called the people to turn back to God—and he did it on a mountain (1 Kings 18).

We must realize that the Israelites had ignored that holy calling which Abraham received to go up unto a mountain and to sacrifice that which he held dear (Gen 22:2). It was after that sacrifice that he was greatly blessed. How much more blessed will we be when we sacrifice our Churches-on-the-plains and head to the hills, to the very heights of the mountains in our nearness to God. From there we will truly be a city on a hill which cannot be hidden (Matt 5:14). Now, let’s rise and sing “Go Sing It On the Mountain”

End Transmission. This has been a lesson in proof-texting and using deductive reasoning to learn from the Scriptures instead of using an inductive process seeing all things in their context. What I did here was purely silly, but if you heard it preached with power, it might just make you wonder if it is true. There are many doctrines being propounded on the web as that of the [insert historical group here] or preached by [insert famous expositors and preachers here] then tagged with a Biblical, Pauline or Truly Christian signature to finally authorize it. Deductive reasoning, Systematic Theology are well and good—but don’t solely rely on them for your understanding of truth. Read the Scriptures in its entirety and in its context and don’t follow those methods which lead to proof texting.

Remember, this was satire…but if you have a problem now wondering if we should worship on a mountain you can leave a comment. Also, realize that I borrowed a general outline of this from a dear brother Randy Amos.

Technorati Tags: prooftexting, randy amos