I have taken it to heart to write to you, dear brother, what really happened and why it is important to our faith. Yes, I know you received two earlier letters but I have heard that you were confused by their content, thinking (somehow) as if those things of which I wrote, really occurred. Therefore, I have taken it to heart to write you these things, most excellent Theophilus, things I have researched so that you may fully understand.
In the beginning was—well … there was no beginning. Time always was and always will be and to-day arrived with an infinite series of regressive events. Forget that an infinite number of dominoes will never collapse—that’s beside the point since our Story begins with God’s storytelling. Okay, maybe not so much God’s storytelling but our storytelling.
At the fullness of time (whenever that was), born of an amoeba, came Man. Man began to walk upright, looked in the eye of Man and thought “I must make myself understood” and therefore spoke. Man formed Words.
And Elohim said “They have spoken Words; the light of communication is good.” And, in his indeterminate council decided that He would use Words to reach them.
For Man came to be apart from Him, but He wished to get to know them better (since they were the most adorable little things) and sought to make Himself Known. So as they progressed, and lost their fur, they began to speak around the campfires to explain Everything , and Elohim thought it was good.
And Elohim said “They have told Stories; this is good” And behold, it was a really good story. So good that Elohim sat behind them and at the good part barked out “YES!”. The natives jumped, hearing a confirmation of their stories so they wrote it down.
This sparked a whole mess of ideas. How they were so very special that God spoke to them!
In the fullness of time (forget that time is infinite and there is no fullness when you have an infinite) the group around the camp fire formed a Nation. They told a story of leaving Ur of the Chaldees, of being held hostage by Egypt (who had recently attacked them) and were now free in Palestine! They told a story about their King David coming to the throne and given a promise by God (since they still remembered that barked out YES! From the campfire days) and they tied all the threads together.
Yahweh, seeing how very happy they were with the story, decided to encourage them like parents encourage Children who are licking electric outlets and saying “‘lectricity!”
“Yes!” Yahweh said (though he really meant something else) then, “So awesome you guys are talking about being family!” (though he really meant something else).
So, instead of building a Dagon they built up their Story, weaving in and out the juicy parts. If they encounter some new culture, they take it and make it part of the story. Even coming up with a handy law to govern themselves by! When Adonai noticed that it had enough moral bits (since not all of it was moral) he shouted “YES!” (Though he really meant “well, not so great but I guess it’ll do for now) and the people danced and played.
As the years went by, a young lady named Mary got pregnant in Jerusalem (when she shouldn’t have) but she believed all of the stories so much that Elohim Yahweh Adonai thought that maybe He could do something with all this. With the right tweaking, He thought, all of that mythology that the young nation had thought up avails nicely to me revealing myself (since I’m incapable of doing it on my own).
So God sent a few Angels to say “YES!” when Jesus was younger and the indoctrinated young boy thought “how very strange—maybe I’m special!” As Jesus grew in wisdom (which wasn’t really wisdom just Theon confirming stuff to Jesus to make him the perfect follower) and stature (which really wasn’t all that tall but really the length of the long tale that was being woven) God would continue sending messages to him.
Jesus thought “Maybe I have something important to do”. Then Jesus started thinking that he was something pretty spectacular and God took advantage of that and made Jesus’ wishful thinking actually turn out alright. Jesus would point at a tree and it would wither. Jesus would tell a lame man to get up, and he would. All of those things happened—except for those parts that sound too fanciful. The rest of them occurred by random selection, natural processes, or sheer stories added to the story to make the whole Jesus Story even better.
Eventually Jesus died from old age but his followers thought it would be better if they told the story that he died on a cross like a criminal by calling the grave Golgotha—it was just the perfect parable. And, after all, a martyr’s death is always better than a mere regular death. So all of those stories that I collected for you, dear Theophilus, was just for your edification in understanding that it doesn’t matter what they said: but what they implied.
Here’s the important part that blew us all away. A resurrection wound up occurring! Jesus’ old age death didn’t take; through natural selection and random processes Jesus (now labeled) Messiah resurrected from the grave and was subsumed into the ether where he is now found in water, bread, wine, church (the right church, mind you) and people!
Thankfully, we now understand all of this. We know what parts were myths and what parts weren’t. We know that Israel was merely a bunch of brutes that God took advantage of to try to incorporate Himself in our space and time (I’ll write you about Paul’s pickiness another time—The dude just doesn’t know when to quit!). We know where our science fits and where it doesn’t. We know where people made up stories and where it is integral for us to know. Even so, it doesn’t matter since Jesus said “Ignore everything that came before: let’s eat.”
Rejoice, dear Theophilus: God Expired and Men wrote!
Discovered in Qumran 2.0 . We believe this to contain the contents of the Lukan community based solely on the Y source yet completely redacted (note the use of different titles for God: ie Yahweh, Adonai, et. al) and we have some (debated) historical doubts regarding a small section about electricity but, based on carbon dating we have decided that it is definitely Perfect and True.