Anyone who has ever worked with me knows that sometime around September fifteenth I begin listening to Christmas music and don’t stop until late January. Anyone who is close to me knows that my Christmas tree goes up on Black Friday and comes down sometime after Valentine’s Day. I have no problem telling everyone that I love Christmas on so many levels.
Theologically its the part of the story where we get closer to the climax (of the Cross on Easter). Holiday wise, everybody seems happier (even if they’re busier and the stores are ridiculously crowded). Musically stations take a breather from the normal junk and some of them actually devote a month to Christmas music! You can hear it everywhere.
But some of it is tremendously awful and its the one of the two things that I hate about the Christmas Season. This year I decided to compile a list of the 12 “Awfullest” Awful Christmas Music for your listening displeasure. Feel free to Despise.
01. Christmas Shoes By Newsong: A boy trying to buy a pair of dancing shoes for his dying mother while Rob Lowe looks on from a semi-distance. Actually the movie came after the song but it was still undeniably awful.
02. Please Don’t Hurt God’s Children: A little girl on Christmas writes a letter to Mr. Jesus asking him for a giftâ€”stop the people from beating the children black and blue.
03. Christmas Makes Me Cry: Okay I get the pointâ€¦God’s greatest gift was Himself. The walk to Gethsemane began long before Good Fridayâ€¦it started in Christmas. I get that. But please, why do we have to write a cheese ball song about how Christmas makes you cry?
04. I Want A Hippopotamus for Christmas sung by Gayla Peevey: This little girl (admittedly an awesome little singer from the fifties) really wants a hippo for Christmas but the song is so bloody annoying that it makes the list. I mean, what the heck is a Hippo Hero?
05. All I Want For Christmas (Is my two front teeth): This song is always annoying. You would think it couldn’t get any worse and then someone up and decides to get the Chipmunks to sing it.
06. Blue Christmas by Porky Pig: I know its funny but I bet you can’t hear it thrice.
07. Santa Claus is Coming To Town by Drunk Bruce Springsteen. â€œHey have you guysâ€¦umâ€¦[hicc]â€¦you guys been goodâ€¦to night this year?â€ (I know its technically not a video but hearing Bruce singing this performance you can just about smell the alcohol whereas all the other performances he looks only tipsy.
08. Dominic the Donkey. Awful. Hee-Haw, Hee-Haw.
09. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus by Jessica Simpson: Apparently she thought that she was singing Santa Baby because sometimes she sounds a bit to, um, breathyâ€¦about kissing Santa. It seems that maybe she shouldn’t be peeking for altogether not-cute reasons. (It’s actually not a bad rendition but just the breathiness sometimes really creeps me out in this version)
10. Christmas Time by Smashing Pumpkins: I don’t know why this song exists as a Smashing Pumpkins song. The dude sings like he wants you, the world and life to just dieâ€¦so why not sing a Christmas song about the Time finally arriving. It might be a good song, but I can’t get past the veil of tears that Corgan manages to summon.
11. 8 Days of Christmas by Destiny’s Child: Well I don’t have to explain why its awful. Just play the first twenty five seconds. But if you really want to hear why its awful find out that the reason they love it is that he â€œgave me a gift certificate for my favorite dvds!â€
12. Santa’s Beard by the Beach Boys: You’ll hardly ever hear this on the radio which is surprising since it’s pretty awful. It’s the story of meeting up (apparently in a store) with a guy who the kid rips the beard off and finds out that its Not Santaâ€¦just a guy helping Santa. Then they repeat that like a million times. Annoying.